Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Kaitlyn Lily


Memorial Day, two years ago, I felt my girls dance as I watched the fireworks with Bryan, soon after I first felt them move. Kaitlyn particularly liked the show.

Kaitlyn was always my morning girl, doing her best kicking early in the day. Kelsey always liked nighttime best. (She still does!)

This past weekend, two years ago, my mom and mother-in-law and I went to registry event at Babies-R-Us. I wondered why the girls didn’t move more to the two glasses of orange juice I had. I loved saying that I was having twins when we went around the group of expectant moms. The registry would never be used, though my sister and Aunt Susie did give me a wonderful shower after Kelsey was here.

Today, two years ago, my Kaitlyn was gone and I didn’t know it though I did have a constant worry for the girls.

Tomorrow evening, two years ago, I told Bryan, standing in our office, that I was worried about the baby girl on my right (Kelsey) because I wasn’t feeling her move much. It turns out I was feeling Kelsey’s legs on Kaitlyn’s side.

July 3rd, two years ago, I wondered why the girls weren’t moving as much as I thought they would with the glucose drink for the gestational diabetes test. We watched the monitor of the ultrasound machines first go to Baby A (Kaitlyn) then quickly, unexpectedly go elsewhere while the tech asked when the last time we saw them was.

I struggled to form the words "Baby A is dead." as I called my mom on the cell phone.

That night, Bryan felt Kaitlyn’s presence downstairs while my parents were sleeping in our living room. He thought it was me, but I was upstairs. The next morning he awoke to a single lily in the garden barrel, dancing in the wind like she had danced on all the previous ultrasounds. That is why her middle name is Lily.

July 4th, two years ago, my parents, Bryan and I watched the fireworks from a parking lot near home. Two babies in my tummy--one alive, one still.

Two years ago, I desperately searched for a name for Baby A. She had to have a name. It was the only thing I could give her.

Two years ago. And still it hurts.



I wish you were here with us – Kaitlyn Lily. I wish you and your sister were both here, both whole.

Kaitlyn Lily Dahl
Born Still
September 24, 2007
Shortly before 10 pm
11 inches long
7.3 ounces



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Here is a song I couldn't embed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ff5qJrPT7k

It’s cold in here feels like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking but I can barley make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts, feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink, paint’s my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself, cause only I know the truth
This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
I guess they’ve got me, to blame
They don’t even know my name
They don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready, think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting, and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet, it got real bright
And a man took my hand said don’t worry, Mommas gonna be alright
Then he opened the gate, & I followed him in
Said you can wait right, here till it’s your turn again
And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
They loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name



And two that I could.





Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

3 comments:

Jason, Rochelle, Aidan & Alayna said...

We are praying for you especially today. We are thankful that God will join you together with your whole family one sweet day.

Grandpa Chuck and Grammy said...

Kaitlyn Lily,

Hi Sweetie. We know you are safe in God’s arms; but still miss you being with us. We want you to know we will always remember you, Precious Angel, and you are forever in our hearts.
"Her tiny feet go before us to show us the way home!"
Love,
Grandpa Chuck and Grammy

Pipsylou said...

I am glad you are my friend.

I am glad you got to have her, for the time that you did.

I love her name...Kaitlyn Lily. The spelling of it, too!

I wish you had a lifetime of writing that name...putting it on nursery rosters, kindergarten forms, immunization sheets, signing it on cards.

I'm sorry you don't.

She was so lucky to have you.